Ho ho ho! (Not you, Miss.) The garland is up, the trees are lit, Christmas music is in the air, and ADG is spiking the eggnog. It’s offically Christmas here at CU and Jolly ‘Ole St. Morph is very excited. Morpheus is down, however, because he always plays Santa and never gets any presents in return! Morph is sending coal to SGA, a box of paddle balls to DPS (as long as they’re trained, of course), and a new basketball court in Centennial Village. Morpheus wants to now tell you what he would like for Christmas, and believes some blessed soul will comply. Jolly ‘Ole St. Morph wishes for the rest of his tuition to be paid off, and a pony, of course. Next week Morpheus will supply you with his “12 Days Of Morpheus,” so stay tuned. As for now, Uncle Morph has some comments for these weeks events.
Morpheus heard SGA is equipping DPS with an infinite supply of yo-yos to protect the students on campus! That’s brilliant! I hope they’re all trained though. Or, wait… was it firearms SGA is giving to DPS? Morpheus just can’t remember. Either way, yo-yos or glocks, we’ll all be protected! Morpheus also heard SGA is attempting to ban cigarette smoking on campus? Do they have a replacement for Father Jude, or really any of the priests on campus, in mind? Morpheus wishes to make a request to SGA: instead of banning cigarettes, can we ban vapes? Morpheus believes vapes are destroying masculinity and artsy-fartsy-ness. The image of the handsome greaser with a Camel hanging out of his mouth is gone. The stereotypical beatnik in a baret, dramatically smoking some cigarette you’ve probably never heard of is gone, too.
Morpheus will be back for his last notes of the semester next week. Email Uncle Morph at firstname.lastname@example.org for a final farewell.