Why Read The Tower?
Image courtesy of The Tower.
By Griffin Cappiello
It has come to my attention that the general student population of our great university doesn’t read this publication. In fact, very few of them even know we exist in the first place. This is a deeply troubling issue. The Tower is a publication of great renown—who wouldn’t want to read any of the truly profound articles written by our intrepid team of writers?
Instead of dismantling the infrastructural issues that have plagued this publication and caused our student readership to suffer (that sounds like a lot of work), here is my case for why students at THE Catholic University of America should read The Tower. The three of you who actually read this should definitely send it to your friends—thanks in advance!
It is important to be an informed citizen.
What do the best and the brightest of our nation’s citizens all have in common? They all read the news! From the Wall Street Journal to the New York Times, from the Washington Post to The Tower, there are a great number of publications that you can choose from. I’ll let you in on a little secret—The Tower is the cheapest one on the market. That’s right, for a grand total of $0 a month*, you too can become an informed citizen, with all the information you need to take on the world, courtesy of The Tower!
Everything you could ever find in any one of our competitors can be found right here in the (digital) pages of The Tower! Need the latest updates on the political and economic state of the world? Want to catch up on the latest sports scores from over the weekend? Want to hear some pretentious writer complain about something that quite literally does not matter and rant about why you should read his publication? Read The Tower!
*It should be noted that The Tower greatly appreciates any and all charitable donations. Please give us your money.
The Tower provides the most accurate information about CUA.
A good student ought to stay up to date on all the ongoings of their school—and trust me, CUA has a lot of ongoings. Whether you missed whatever nonsense happened at the latest SGA meeting or the university decided to entirely eliminate your major, The Tower will have all the information you need. I suppose that’s also what Fizz is for, so if fact-checked information is more important to you than memes and upvotes, we’ve got you covered! If you prefer the memes, take it up with our editor-in-chief, or better yet, you too can become a writer for The Tower!
The reason we’re able to be so accurate with our information? The Tower is secretly behind all the controversial issues facing the CUA community. Remember when the Pryz food court was closed for a few weeks? That’s right, The Tower was behind it! It was a slow news week, so we had to take drastic measures to meet our article quotas. Never mind the fact that we never actually got around to writing an article about that; our fake horoscopes took priority. Remember Marist Hall? That’s okay, neither do we — but you can read all about it somewhere deep in The Tower’s archives! Anything you could ever want to know about CUA, The Tower’s got you covered!
You can be performative.
The most surefire way to win any Performative Male contest is obviously by reading The Tower. Everyone knows that matcha pairs perfectly with some light reading of feminist literature—might I suggest The Tower’s article on the WNBA Finals?
We’re also your favorite professor’s favorite newspaper. A quick conversation about a recent article might just be the difference between passing and failing a class: “Hey, professor, what did you think about that article? I thought it was quite profound, and the writer seems like a brilliant young gentleman. I’ll certainly be donating to The Tower so they can continue to produce such informative content.”
I put too much work into this for you not to care.
At the end of the day, reading, writing, and editing articles is draining. I know, I know, I signed up for this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it. Honestly, the complaining is half the fun—nobody cares about the happy editorials, the grumpy ones are all the rage.
If nothing else, consider reading The Tower as a personal favor to me. In all seriousness, we really do put a lot of hard work into producing weekly content for the CUA community, and we greatly appreciate our readers and benefactors. Check out a few of the articles on our website (cuatower.com), give us your feedback on what you read, or even write something yourself; I promise you won’t regret it.
