Image Courtesy of Roll Call
This is a Parody Article – the facts and views expressed in this article are completely fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental.
By Noah Slayter
The United States House of Representatives elected Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA) to become speaker of the House on October 25th. While this relatively unknown candidate from Louisiana has taken the House by storm, in some alternate universe there are likely other, more enigmatic candidates. Here is a short list.
10. Rep. George Santos
Rep. Santos, the darling of New York Republicans has caused quite the political and ethical storm in our nation’s capital. It came to light that Santos made up pieces of his resume in order to win his election, but he had also left out significant portions as well. Santos was not just a cross-dresser but also a guest star on the Hannah Montana show, as such he is more than qualified to take on the speakership.
9. Britney Spears
In terms of makeup tips, Spears would get along with Rep. Santos. Her recent book was an explosive expose on the inner life of an international pop star. She knows how to deal with toxic media, making her an awesome option for the House’s highest office.
8. Stella Liebeck
Ms. Liebeck is the woman who had McDonald’s coffee fall on her. Her civil lawsuit against the food chain caused major reform in the fast food industry. This is exactly the type of action we need in Congress. Hot-roasted reform is what this country needs in our hallowed halls of legislation.
7. Senator Bernie Sanders
Despite serving in the incorrect house for the Speakership. Sanders would make an excellent speaker, bringing his populist agenda to every comrade in America. The independent socialist from Vermont could make quite a difference in the world should he be elected to the third highest office in the land.
6. Will Smith
Congress needs a slap in the face, a wake-up call. It’s like a scene from I Am Legend in the Capitol Building. The Oscar-winning actor has been freed from romantic commitments since his wife has reported they have been apart since 2016, so he is more than ready to assume office.
5. Elon Musk
Elon Musk the social media executioner, could also be a prime Speaker of the House. His philanthropic maneuvers, such as attempting to give Wikipedia $1 billion dollars (assuming they change their name to “Dickipedia”) and his astronautical adventures with Spacex are examples of Musk’s zeal for innovation. This could be a fresh face our government sorely needs.
4. Jerry Springer
This daytime talk show host has a fire personality and knows how to handle controversy. He served as mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio, and ran for Congress in 1970. He has the experience to handle the hotheads of the house and has a sense for the dramatic which always comes in handy working in politics. Having died in April, this makes him younger and healthier than every member of the United States Senate.
3. Hilary Clinton
The former senator, presidential candidate, and secretary of state have always wanted to move up the presidential line of succession, in any way, shape, or form. Moving to the third member on the line of succession would go right along with her life plans. Should she become a speaker, it is likely she would bring up articles of impeachment for Vice President Kamala Harris and President Joseph Biden, thus moving her up to the top spots.
2. Taylor Swift
Grab your Cardigan, the music queen of the world is taking the gavel. If Ms. Swift became speaker, it is possible she would end the tradition of the August month-long recess, a Cruel Summer for Congressman everywhere. Her reign as speaker may be the political Love Story we need though.
1. Donald Trump
The only candidate on this list to actually have been nominated as speaker in January of this year. The speaker’s office may become run through the “sitting on the Golden Toilet” method, entailing Trump sitting on his metal throne and tweeting out when house votes would occur. The capitol rotunda would gain a tanning bed where normally revered Americans lie in state after their death. He may have to make a deal though with Capitol Police to wear an ankle monitor to walk around the Capitol
building presuming any of his numerous court cases do not go his way.