Hoverboards: The New American Plague


The Catholic University of America recently released a new ban of Hoverboards on campus. This coming in after the sweep of spontaneous combustions that have ravaged the campus and shaken the Catholic University populace to its core, making us question the safety of the student body who live on campus full time. Everyone has had the experience of walking to The Pryz to get a piece of Pryz Pizza (or if you’re lactose intolerant, nothing) and seeing a dear friend, or a friendly deer burst into flames on the most dangerous vehicle to grace the campus of The Catholic University of America in decades.

Who can forget last semester when we were all barred to our locations because there were so many spontaneous combustions? That was a scary time, and we had no clue whether or not the hoverboards were bursting into flame, or that God was striking us down with holy fire for our hubris in trying to go slightly faster than walking while looking like a complete fool on wheels.

There are critics coming out of the woodworks, as any student seeing the protests ravaging the law school lawn will have seen, and we’ve all heard their rhetoric, “Thanks Obama!”, “What kind of Post-Back To The Future Part II America do we live in?”, and “How will we get around campus now? Walking?” With the following post-question group raspberry being blown in the collective faces of the safety conscious student body. The only option is to decisively punish these daredevils with expulsion, as they are leading to the further deteriorating moral fiber of the campus of The Catholic University of America.

We have to stop these reckless renegades. Hoverboards represent all the scum of the Earth, and every time a hoverboard is made, an angel loses its wings. Does CUA want that on its conscious? Not only that, but you have to make a baby cry to recharge them each time. Think of the children. The world needs not another chariot in which the four horseman can descend onto our planet and punish us for our sins, and by banning hoverboards, we allow ourselves a brief reprieve from the dark nature of humanity’s need to go slightly faster than normal.

Does anyone even remember Wall-E? When humanity lost all of its mobility through dependence on machines? Think about it America. Would you rather drive around on a scooter that makes you look like an absolute fool, embarrassing you and your friends by just existing, constantly risking the chance of burns, both by fire, and by people making fun of you, or would you rather lose a few calories and walk like a normal person? That’s the decision, and it’s a clear one.

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