Tower Editorial: Get in Formation CUA

Word from the office of the president has leaked: Beyoncé will officially be next year’s Captial Fest headliner!

President Garvey himself confirmed that the Queen B will grace us all with her presence this fall for the annual campus concert.

He also let on that he and his wife are huge fans of the R&B pop star. While “Halo” is the favorite song of the couple, apparently Gus Garvey prefers “Single Ladies.”

It seems to be a concern of many students that CUA does not have sufficient funds to spend on a performer of Beyoncé’s caliber.

But, according to the president, hiring Beyoncé will not put any stress on the university financially.

In order to compensate for Beyoncé’s multi-million dollar performance charge, the administration has approved a 3.8% increase in tuition and fees as well as an increase in room and board.

This may seem like a lot, but it will all be worth it in the end. What other school can boast of hosting both the Pope and Beyoncé?

Let’s all be a little more grateful to the administration and stop our complaining about the increase. It’s old news anyways, seeing as we write about it happening every year.

So if you’re feeling down about paying over $13,000 per semester in housing costs, just remember what you’re paying for and listen to “Love on Top” on repeat for an hour or two.

If you’re getting a bit cranky about the cockroaches living under your bed, or the asbestos hiding in your walls, crank up “Flawless” and forget your worries.

The big event will require Pope Francis-level preparation, so get ready for a few changes around campus. Beyoncé has requested that every sidewalk be lined with a red carpet and that a helicopter landing pad be installed on the roof of Gibbons Hall.

She also plans to dine with Garvey and his wife in the Student Restaurant following the concert (if she makes it by the 10 pm cut-off that is).

She will receive an honorary doctoral degree in Vocal Performance.
April fools! Beyoncé (probably) isn’t coming, but the tuition hike sure is real.