Making the CUA Olympic Games
Image courtesy of Tyler Service Solutions
By Tim McGuire
This is an independently submitted op-ed and does not reflect the views of The Tower.
The 2028 Winter Olympic Games kicked off recently in Italy, while here in D.C. we continued our studious studies at Catholic University. In an effort to bring us closer to our friends across the pond, I have devised the first official Catholic University of America Olympic Games: The CUAOG (pronounced “quog”). These games are designed to push students to their limits and show off how strong they are as members of the CUA community, which is no easy task.
First and foremost, we need our teams. The Olympics have countries; what do we have? Dorm buildings, of course! We have 16 different buildings on campus (all seven Centennial Village buildings counted separately). I initially thought to organize by neighborhood so there would be five teams, but there are only seven events, so it only makes sense to maximize campus participation here.
Speaking of events, let’s get to what actually matters: what are our students competing in?
Mullen Library Endurance
Bring your snacks, some homework, and earbuds, and get to work for as long as possible. We start out our games in the morning by dropping off students at Mullen Library. One of the few buildings open to students 24/7, Mullen has hosted many late-night study sessions and all-nighters. The goal here is simple: to be the last one standing. While the rest of the games happen, the students competing in this event will stay in Mullen for as long as possible. There’s no allowing interfering with other competitors, for example, trying to shove them out the door, but simple interactions are allowed.
Maloney to Aquinas Sprint
Sometimes your biggest enemy is a measly ten minutes between classes. We walk from Mullen to a classroom on the second floor of Maloney, where the competitors in this race will take a seat at a desk. After sitting through a long, boring lecture on a topic that no one cares about, they must make it to the big classroom in Aquinas as quickly as possible; time starts when the professor says, “Class dismissed.” When picking out buildings for this race, I wanted to make it as long as possible, which made the original plan Maloney to O’Boyle. However, that opens the door for competitors to go around campus rather than getting through campus, so I opted to replace O’Boyle with Aquinas. Not only is the route twistier and turnier, but it also has a steep uphill trajectory as you get closer to Aquinas, no matter what route you take.
Dorm Cooking
When the food courts are closed, you have to think on your feet. Since the race ended in Aquinas, we are near the dorm buildings and can begin the next event. The competing students will get sent back to their dorm and asked to create a dish of their choosing, with enough to serve three. After an hour (or two), three hungry students who are dissatisfied with Garvey Hall will tour the dorm buildings’ kitchens and sample the food. They will convene privately and decide the medalists of the event. The only rule is that you must work alone.
Exorcism Room Exorcisms
It wouldn’t be the Catholic capital of the United States if we didn’t banish demons, right? After enjoying lunch courtesy of the previous event’s competitors, we reconvene in Caldwell Hall to send this event’s competitors up to the attic, each with a demonically possessed student™. Each competitor will get five minutes in the exorcism room to exorcise the demon and return the student to our mortal realm. The fastest time wins. Certified demon-fighting priests will be on standby for competitors who fail.
McMahon Stair Climbing
Those old rinky-dink elevators will be out of service someday…. Going from Caldwell to the similarly built McMahon, we return to physical events as we send students up and down the steepest stairs this campus knows. We will run it like musical chairs: in the lobby, send all of them up one of the staircases, and have them come back down the other side’s staircase. The last one to come down is eliminated, rinse and repeat until we have a winner. My legs hurt just from writing this, and I did cross country in high school.
Treasury Board Pitching
You know it, you love it, and we’re all broke. Finally, we go from McMahon to the Pryz, where we enjoy a classic food court dinner and go upstairs dressed in our best for our final event. The Treasury Board awaits our competitors, and they must help the CUAOG get funding. All proceeds go to the games because we are greedy. Whoever gets the most funding for us wins, and the top three medalists will also receive a pat on the back.
Fizz Posting
I know I just said Treasury Board Pitching was the last event, but there’s been one event running this whole day without anyone knowing. Students representing their dorm building have to make ONE post on Fizz at the beginning of the day of the CUAOG, and let it stay up for the entirety of the games. Most upvotes win, it’s that simple. This can be used as a tiebreaker or an actual event, either or. You could do a lot of social strategy here and try to figure out which dorms made which post, and downvote/upvote accordingly.
And thus concludes a long day of hard work and harder playing. The winning dorm is the one with the most gold medals, of course. In the event of a tie, we count silver medals, and if that’s not enough somehow, we move on to bronze, etc., etc. The winners of the CUAOG will receive a framed picture of President Kilpatrick giving two big thumbs up and a signed copy of The Tower’s next printed paper… May the odds be ever in your favor.
