Finders Keepers: An Exclusive Interview with the Louvre Thieves
Image courtesy of ABC News
By Griffin Cappiello
This is an independently submitted op-ed and does not reflect the views of The Tower
Earlier this week, a group of thieves broke into the famous Louvre museum in Paris and stole a collection of priceless royal crown jewels. The heist took place in the middle of the day with tourists present in the museum, but authorities report that nobody was hurt.
During The Tower’s reporting on this story, we reached out to the thieves for a comment, as we make an effort to make sure all viewpoints are represented. One of the thieves kindly agreed to an exclusive interview with our publication.
The following is a transcript of this interview. It has been edited for clarity.
Note: Given that the thief is French, he spoke with a rather thick accent. For the most accurate reading of this interview, the reader should imagine Mr. Thief speaking in such an accent.
The Tower: Mr. Thief, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with us. Tell me: what motivated you to take such a public interview immediately after your big heist?
Thief: You know, I’m really just a big fan of the work you guys are doing here at The Tower. You guys are really big in France, did you know that? Huge readership, everybody’s talking about you. When you reached out, there was no doubt about it; I knew I had to talk with you.
The Tower: Wow, that’s great to hear! Well, I suppose I have to ask: how did you guys do it? This has to be the heist of the century.
Thief: It was actually a pretty simple gig. We got in, we took the jewels, we got out. Really textbook stuff—kind of the most basic example that they teach you about in thief school. We actually pulled off a practice heist at the Natural History Museum in D.C., but nobody really seemed to notice — something about some sort of shutdown? Anyway, the heist really isn’t anything to brag about; just business as usual for us in the thief world.
The Tower: What made you want to take the crown jewels? Why not something like, oh, I don’t know, the Mona Lisa?
Thief: Honestly, it really came down to the black market. Buyers aren’t really going for paintings these days—bling is what they really want. We got the jewels and shipped them off to the highest bidder. As for the Mona Lisa, I really just don’t get the hype—she’s literally just a girl.
The Tower: What’s next for you and your fellow thieves? Anything on the horizon that you can tip us off about?
Thief: Well, I don’t want to spoil too much. We do have some pretty big collabs coming up — keep an eye out for a future jewel heist with a rose-colored big cat. We’re also thinking of expanding beyond just gems; we have a big job planned with this bald guy with a pointy nose and his banana-loving henchmen. Who knows? Maybe we’ll come back stateside for a gig. There’s got to be an abandoned building or two on your campus that’s housing some secrets—maybe we’ll come pay you guys a visit.
The Tower: Well, we’ll certainly be looking forward to it. Is there anything else that you want to say to our readers before you go?
Thief: Go get your hands dirty, kids! Everybody is so online these days — email hacks and phishing scams are so boring. Let’s bring back the good ol’ days of bank robberies! Live a little! A bit of breaking and entering never killed anyone!
The Tower: Well, that’s all the time we have. Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Thief! We really appreciate your being willing to talk with us.
Thief: Anytime! There’s nothing I love more than a little student journalism. Au revoir!
