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News

CUA Announces It Will No Longer Have Any Professors in New Budget-Cutting Measure, Favors “Independently Driven” System Regulated by AI

Image Courtesy of Mimir’s Well

By Anne Iddiote

This past week, CUA made another shocking restructuring announcement: they will be letting go all professors in favor of an “student independence driven” system that will be overseen by AI. 

The decision comes after a slew of budget-cutting measures such as quintuple dorms – “our students need to be more social anyways”, the removal of Resident Assistants – “students will misbehave anyways,” and the elimination of counseling, tutoring, and student orgs. 

“We looked at the budget and where we were spending the most, and we really are just putting so much money into professor’s salaries,”  an email from the university read. “We had to ask ourselves, ‘Is this really necessary?'”

“Students don’t pay attention to what their professors say anyways,” a representative from the administration told The Towel. “They just sit there on their laptops doing other things. Why not let them do that the whole time?”

Instead of taking classes, students will take a series of independent studies. The elimination of advising also means that students will have the freedom to choose whatever topic they want in lieu of following any guidance. Students will be required to submit reports on what they have learned to an AI system. If the AI system deems that the student has learned enough information regarding their subject matter, the students will pass. 

“I am a little concerned with the AI system,” Dr. Ol Skol, who was selected to test drive the system, commented. “I submitted my five year old’s homework assignment as the student, and the system still gave it a passing grade.” 

It also appears that AI awards higher grades to assignments written by AI over work by actual students. 

In response to concerns over the quality of education, the university assured students and parents that any issues would be worked out before the system is implemented in the fall.

“No one cares about learning anything in college anymore anyways,” a member of the university’s new DOGE department was overheard saying. “Everyone is all up in arms about the quality of education, but everyone knows people just get degrees to get the piece of paper and move on with their lives. Let’s not spend more money to fix the program and leave it as is.”

One of parents’ primary concerns was whether tuition will be lowered in light of the new system. The university confirmed that tuition will actually increase by one percent. 

“We may be saving money on professors’ pay checks, but in light of recent debate of the environmental impact of AI, we have decided to keep tuition the same and donate 10% of it to environmental charities,” the university reported.

Under the AI schooling initiative, each individual student’s education will require the amount of energy used to run a small town and will likely regularly short circuit power lines in Brookland. 

An SGA senator has started a campaign to allow SGA to vote on whether students should pass their classes instead of AI. 

“As a Catholic institution, it is unjust and un-Christian for our education to be run by something without a soul,” the senator stated. “Plus I personally think some of my classmates don’t deserve their degrees and I want the opportunity to fail them.”

Student reactions range from outrage to general apathy to acceptance. 

“For years I have been saying they should let me major in vaping and then I’ll pass,” a sixth year senior told The Towel. “Well guess what, now I’m gonna do it.”

“This is the future,” the university’s email read. “It is an honor for our students to be a part of such innovation.”

Love is Blind is Coming to Serve All the Lonely Cardinals

Image Courtesy of Love is Blind

By Mother Gothel

As the cherry blossoms bloom this spring, so will love on the CUA campus. The Love is Blind showrunner desires to expand the series’ engagement by making the opportunity for love more available to undergraduate students. After polling universities across the country, the network discovered that Catholic University has the lowest marriage success rate amongst all fifty states. Recognizing a clear call for help when he sees one, the showrunner felt as if he was receiving an undeniable call from God to give CUA students the chance to join the Love is Blind community and find their soulmate among their desperately single peers.

Catholic University’s administration welcomes Love is Blind to campus after several weeks of intense negotiations. In return for full access to the students and the campus, the franchise will be giving the university the much needed attention it requires to raise its class numbers. Sources from the president’s office predict that due to this heightened publicity, enrollment numbers may even exceed those from when Pope Francis visited campus in 2015.

On April 7, 2025, the Love is Blind management team will be releasing a google form for all current CUA undergraduates to apply for a coveted spot on the show. Someone on the lights and design team let slip that 24 special students will be chosen to participate; however, rumor has it that because the showrunner is a huge Hunger Games fan, he will actually be selecting 48 students this season since it is a Quarter Quell year. 

Production is set to begin the week of April 14, 2025, when the show’s team of professionals will arrive on campus, taking over the use of the newly finished trailer park on Marist lawn. While this may mean less housing options for students, it is a cost that many are ready to pay. 

Big Man, a freshman Classics major with a minor in philosophy, supports the franchise’s arrival to campus, hoping that he will get a shot to be on the show. “It’s really hard to meet women when you work in a male-dominated field,” Big Man expresses sorrowfully. “Hopefully, I’ll have a chance to find a girl whose Roman Empire is the Roman Empire, if you know what I mean.”

Hope Liss, a sophomore criminology major with a marketing minor, is eager to join the show, confident that she will be accepted as a contestant. In an interview, she complains about the lack of options on campus, disgruntledly muttering, “They’re either taken, gay, discerning, or all three.” She shares her hope with us though, stating, “I’m sure that I’ll find the handsomest man ever on this show.”

Cheyp M’Oooch, a senior finance major going pre-med, plans on finding his future wife on this show. Since his final year at CUA is drawing to a close, he’s ready to put a ring on the finger of a special someone. He shares, “I know people make fun of girls for coming to college for the MRS degree, but you know what? I’m here for the MR degree, and I’m proud of that. I’m ready to settle down with my forever someone.”

Members from the production team have also shared that they plan on collaborating with @CardinalCupid, a recent Instagram page for setting up CUA students with a blind date based on their interests. They plan to propose a joint social media campaign to this CUA group in the hopes of capturing a wider audience.

So if you’re ready for a ring by spring, keep your eyes peeled for the sign up link! Love is coming to CUA as our lonely Cardinals take flight into the sunset.

CUA Introduces the School of Circus Studies

Image Courtesy of Flickr

By Jojo the Clown

There’s a new school at the Catholic University of America and it’s called the School of Circus Studies. There will be a building connected to a big top on the Opus Hall lawn. 

President Peter Kilpatrick hired Bozo the Clown as the first academic dean. After he cut the ribbon on March 23 for the grand opening, Dean Bozo pied President Kilpatrick in the face.

Johnny McJuggler, an incoming freshman clowning major commented on why Bozo will be a great dean.

“Bozo will be a great dean because he deeply understands the role of the circus in the Catholic Intellectual Tradition,” McJuggler said. “I mean, I’m looking forward to reading The Divine Comedy in his history of clowning class.  I’m really glad the school didn’t choose Pennywise!”

The School of Circus Studies will have programs for students studying public speaking, clowning, juggling, mime studies, gymnastics, stunt, animal control, transportation management, powerlifting, and magic studies. President Kilpatrick has hired a diverse set of faculty members. He also plans on having a circus performance scheduled every semester.

Amazing Animal Adjunct Associate, a junior, commented on  why he changed his major from bankrobbing to animal control.
“I am looking forward to working with the elephants. Hopefully I will be able to train them to sneeze on my enemies.”

University Announces New Department of University Efficiency

By X AE A-Xii Musk

Catholic University President Peter Kilpatrick has announced the creation of a new administrative office: the Department of University Efficiency (DUE). The move comes as the school continues to reckon with a 30+ million dollar budget deficit and amid other budget cuts, such as the merger and consolidation of academic units, staff cuts, and the closure of the Division of Student Affairs.

DUE will be led by University Provost Aaron Dominguez, who also recently acquired the whole of Student Affairs when it was merged with the Office of the Provost. 

“This new office will help our faculty and staff determine where they can make cuts to spending that will contribute to our long-term economic stability,” said Kilpatrick in a statement. “Dr. Dominguez is the best person to lead this unit, especially as he’s been involved in reorganizing the university and is now in charge of student life, which is an area we see as especially in need of cuts.”

DUE will be staffed with agents whose identities are currently being protected. Kilpatrick’s office did not answer questions about why that is, but a source, whose name is being kept confidential in order to discuss state secrets, said it’s for safety reasons. “We have a lot of faculty here who know that, if they’re fired or their departments are closed, they don’t really have anywhere else to go. That makes them potentially desperate. If they know who it is that’s checking up on them, they might target those people on Twitter.”

It’s believed that DUE is also making use of confidential informants within the faculty and staff, something Dominguez’s office denied. Business professors have been seen having meetings with shadowy figures in the university parking garage in recent days; one witness reported seeing a folder marked “economics – delete, delete, delete” being handed over.

DUE has already begun its work. Last week, DPS was called to the university HR office. They arrived in record time, only ten minutes, as the HR office is in the same building (Leahy) as DPS is. Witnesses say that the officers had to take the stairs because the elevators were broken and DUE had already fired the whole Facilities staff, making the rapid response an even more incredible feat. 

Officers arrived to find the HR staff barricading the door as DUE agents, wearing ballistic vests and ski masks to conceal their identity, working to force entry. DPS kept a watchful eye on things while they in turn waited for Campus Ministry to arrive to calm the situation. The agents eventually withdrew to their office, which has been confirmed to be in Marist Annex, much to the chagrin of the English Department, who now know the real reason for their eviction from that edifice. Private security have been seen patrolling the perimeter of the building but have disappeared from their old posts on John McCormack and Taylor streets.

DUE also issued a directive that all university staff must work from the office, not from home. A massive flock of secretaries, professors, and counseling center employees arrived on Monday to find that there are not nearly enough parking spaces on campus and that DUE had sold several buildings on campus, leaving them with no office from which to work. Witnesses say President Kilpatrick and Provost Dominguez had a rather awkward conversation when Kilpatrick found out DUE has accidentally listed Nugent Hall for sale.  
Time will tell whether DUE will do its job well. Sources in the provost’s office say future plans include firing the Dining Services staff and instead hiring students to staff Garvey (they probably couldn’t do a worse job), doubling the size of Parking Services because it’s the only university office that actually makes money, ending free printing for students, setting library overdue fines to $10 per day (unclear how that helps, since most students don’t know the school has a library), and setting a minimum number of 4 occupants for each dorm room but also raising boarding costs.

Crime Blotter

Aggravated Assault: 8 SGA Senators charged with aggravated assault after an argument over a resolution to determine which size font to use on their official printed documents.

Breaking and Entering: Student Al Coholl was arrested last weekend after breaking into Leahy and raiding DPS’s “borg graveyard” following the St. Patrick’s darty.

Car Break-in: An unidentified suspect broke into the security contractors cars on John McCormick Rd. on Tuesday night and stole some walkie talkies and the officers’ dinners. The suspect managed to break in undetected while the officers were in the car.

Attempted Murder: On January 17, 2025, The Catholic University of America attempted to murder The Rome School of Music, Drama, and Art. The police arrived on the scene but declined to arrest them.

Missing Persons: The Politics Department

Missing Persons: Anyone who wants to write for The Tower

Treason and Conspiracy: 4 students were arrested for treason and conspiracy after calling for SGA to be abolished.

Politics

Rizzmerica?

Image Courtesy of BeanTown

On Saturday, after formally declaring Jihad on BJ’s Wholesale Club, the Costco Guys and the Rizzler bombed the White House, giving it 3 “mega booms”. Sadly, there were no casualties. Witnesses say Elon Musk was spotted running frantically out of the White House wearing brand new Yeezy merchandise just moments before the attack. During the onslaught, White House press secretary Joe Rogan revealed that Donald Trump and J.D. Vance were safe, wandering through Disney World on Tesla segways.

With the help of an army of Costco employees, the Rizzler, A.J. and Big Justice were able to break into the Oval Office and hold an onion eating contest on Instagram live. On their livestream, the trio declared that the United States would be re-named “Rizzmerica” and that the White House would be remodeled into a Costco.

Ancient astronaut theorists suggest that this coup was not only an act of terrorism, but a fulfillment of at least two-thousand year-old Hindu prophecies foretold in the Bhagavad Gita. 

The Towel interviewed renowned History Channel researcher and ventriloquist Giorgio Tsoukalos for his take on the situation. Mr. Tsoukalos said that he “does not believe that the Rizzler or J.D. Vance are human”, but rather a new “hybrid species” of neanderthal and extraterrestrial. Mr. Tsoukalos remarked, “No human can possibly maintain that level of jawline”. The Towel contacted J.D. Vance for comment, but he has only replied every half hour with memes of his face.

Yesterday, Donald Trump addressed the world on a live stream via Truth Social from his encampment across the street from the White House. Mr. Trump said he would agree to turn the White House into a Costco and rename the United States Rizzmerica as long as Costco kept their double chunk chocolate cookie at $2.49. Towards the end of the livestream, J.D. Vance was seen sitting down in a circle of candles and crystals, frantically carving messages in Sanskrit on the pavement. He was then seen rocking back and forth chanting vedic scriptures while praying to a meme of himself. Despite his uncertain mental state, President Trump assured the audience that Vice President Vance was simply, “channeling cosmic energies to inspire better memes”.

This morning, the Rizzler, A.J. and Big Justice agreed to the terms from their makeshift base in the rubble of the White House. A.J. and Big Justice were immediately arrested and sentenced to life in prison, along with most of the Costco employees. However, the Rizzler and his remaining forces evaded capture and are considered by authorities to be at large, sweeping across D.C. in a wave of vengeance.

Fourth Ticket Joins SGA Race

In an unprecedented development in the history of student government at Catholic University, a fourth slate for the executive board of the Student Government Association has been publicly announced. The ticket consists of Steve Kreider for president, Ms. Willie for vice president, P.J. Connolly for treasurer, and Tim Carney for secretary.

Notably, the slate includes no current Catholic University students. According to sources, the university is willing to overlook that fact in light of recent SGA tensions and controversies. One official said, “SGA has never been particularly transparent nor effective, and the students never really know what they’re up to anyway, so why should we restrict it to students when these four people, who know more about student life than the students do, will obviously do a better job at intimidating, erm, uh, convincing, rather, the administration into caring about what students think?”

The candidates, who have chosen the campaign slogan “Work Hard, Fundraise Harder,” identified several key issues they plan to address should they be elected. These include:

• Defending Program Board from the recent attempts to undermine its absolute authority
• Finding out why the Pryz got new chairs and DPS got a new golf cart despite the school being 30 million dollars in debt 
• Encouraging the university to stop the closure of the Rome School and instead clarify what the heck the Metropolitan School even is
• And add Ultimate as an official sport instead of a club sport

A source from inside the campaign added some more information about plans. “When, I mean if we’re elected, we’re also gonna move the SGA office into that weird spaceship thing between the Pryz and Mullen because it would look way cooler than that cubicle in the Nest. And we’re gonna get red t-shirts for the SGA staff.”

Speaking of the SGA staff, it’s unclear who will take the liaison and other executive positions; it’s possible they’ll be left unfilled because no one knows what they do as it is. However, one position sources say will definitely be filled is Senate Sergeant-at-Arms. “We don’t know who it’ll be yet, but we’re definitely filling that one,” said a source. “In fact, we’re looking at creating a whole Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms that would include several Deputy Sergeants-at-Arms, a Riot Squad, and a Public Integrity Bureau.”
With four exciting tickets, this year’s SGA election may be the most rigged closest race ever. Stay with us for full coverage.

Arts & Entertainment

The Minions Make Their Directorial Debut with Scent of a Lemon

Image Courtesy of Entertainment Focus

By Tony Stank

While the minions themselves were kind enough to let their lives be documented in the Despicable Me franchise, they apparently had more to tell. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob all pulled together to direct their very own feature film, Scent of a Lemon. Set for a September release date next year, the film wants to set the record straight and chronicle a more intimate perspective on minion life. 

The three have already begun a press tour promoting the film, and I was lucky enough to sit down and interview all three about this endeavour. Bob explained how the filmmaking was, “ Nu meh, aba ich kappa doce la boda escuela. Kampai!”. Building off of this, Kevin went on to say, “Ya, tulaliloo sae wanna stupa y donner tu la promine film”. With such passion and determination, it is clear that this trio is setting out to give audiences a truly unique experience at the movies. 

Stuart was the most calm, explaining how, “Ich play mit baboi um buttom de banana. Muak! Muak! Pop! Exquisite!” Providing the grunt of the work, he would play out the action scenes for the cast and crew to rehearse. Manning the camera, Bob explained further, “Bee do cine para tu. All para tu.” Production is still underway but fans can expect a truly awesome film from the talent on display here. The film will be available next September and it seems certain that fans will be flocking to see this special kind of film on day one!

CBC Reporter Missing Following Disastrous Conspiracy Theory News Story

                                             Image Courtesy of Luis Zonenberg

By Boi Boi Baby

Earlier this week, a rather interesting news story dropped on the official Cardinal Broadcast YouTube page. It featured news reporter Tim McGuire co-reporting  a conspiracy theory on the solar-powered storage facility on campus. It went on to explain how the machine is in fact a spaceship from outer space, with the “workers” in fact being aliens. 

The report sparked a huge controversy, with many deeming it a low-brow form of gaining some more attention for the organization. Amidst all this, we recently found out that the reporter, Tim McGuire, went missing a few days ago with many puzzled as to his current whereabouts. His co-anchor, Luis, had this to say, “We had just published the story when he left. It was rather late and we were all very tired, but I have no clue as to where he could be.” 

When asked whether his disappearance could be tied to the facility, CEO of Real Research Inc., Hugh Mann, explained, “I never knew any Mit MacGuire. If he is missing, I can assure it has nothing to do with this facility. We pride ourselves on following students, not making them disappear.” Despite this, the machine has halted production with the crew on temporary leave. 

Hearing about Mann’s response, Luis further explained, “We didn’t know much about that machine, but I do know how close Tim was with the workers. No one’s seen them since either, but if you ask me… I think they were all abducted. I mean, it’s a little fishy he goes missing right after we publish a news story on this… right?” An investigation is currently underway with updates slowly but surely coming in. We will be sure to relay any new information once disclosed to us.

Sports

Budget Cuts Make it so 2025-2026 Sports Season is Canceled 

Image Courtesy of CUA Athletics

By Sue Mae Moore

Earlier in this academic year President Kilpatrick announced that many changes across campus will be made due to a deficit in the budget. Kilpatrick has previously stated that  “administrative departments have already reduced their budgets by a combined 12%, and we have identified ways to save more than $20 million in expenses,” though after a closer look at the budget, they realized that that wasn’t enough. 

Since we are a D3 university Kilpatrick has decided that instead of trying to become “an elite D3 sports program” we are going to cut all the funding for every team. This means that many students who attend this university for sports programs will no longer be able to play unless an intramural team arises. When interviewing student-athletes about this decision James  junior business major said “honestly I’m okay with the decision, collegiate sports take up a lot of time and not having to go to early morning practices now is such a relief.” Where James Miller was relieved by this decision Mary Hayes Sophomore nursing major, expressed that she was “disappointed in the administration for making this decision because athletics is something that some students are passionate about and don’t want to see go.” She talked about how she doesn’t understand how “our food court can get all new chairs during this time, but we can no longer have athletics.” 

This will definitely be an upcoming shift in campus life and for the incoming classes. Many are wondering if this will drop enrollment for future classes. One of Kilpatrick’s main focuses when taking office was upping enrollment and getting rid of athletics may just do the opposite. We interviewed some incoming students from the class of 2029 and some expressed that “once I heard they were cutting athletics as a whole I committed to a different school because I didn’t want to go to a school that had no opportunity for sports events.” With getting many responses like this we project to have the smallest class size in CUA history. 

Many students who have already been recruited for the teams are hoping that they get grandfathered in and that this cut happens after at least their first year. We talked to an incoming freshman about this new athletics plan and he said “a school without sports doesn’t have a lot to offer their students anymore.” Believing that athletics are an essential part of campus life and culture and without it student moral will plummet drastically. 

Though with a class this small our $30 million deficit will only grow and have no progress in shrinking. Will cutting out the athletics program be the downfall of CUA? Only the future can tell.

Quill

Restore Greater Maryland

Courtesy of Yuem Dee with Google Maps

By Yuem Dee

This is an independently submitted op-ed and does not reflect the views of The Towel.

There have been a great number of tragedies which various states have endured in the course of this nation’s history. Chief among them is the belittlement of Maryland; a state with a noble history often overlooked. By the end, I believe my fellow marylanders and those alike 

Our superior history is brazenly shouted by our State flag, so stark in its design as to leave a lasting impression on those from across the country. The family crests of Calvert and Crossland, heraldry to powers older than any of the states themselves. This unique symbol highlights our deep connections to the past, a legacy and charter more authoritative than anything which has come since. Atop the flag sits a final of the Crossland Cross. The only state with any unique orientation, this again highlights Maryalnd’s status as an elevated state and in no way is a well documented neo-confederate symbol evocative of a traitor, Brigadier General Bradley Tyler Johnson.

I mention the heraldry of the flag because the Calvert family is integral to the foundation and true claims of the state of Maryland. The founding of Baltimore, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and so much more is tied to this family and their charter.

But Maryland has been stolen from, and that charter undermined. Most egregious, the District of Columbia occupies what would be the largest metropolitan area in the state. Originally taken from both Maryland and Virginia, the latter had its territory restored in 1847. I seek the same for the state of Maryland. It must reclaim its stolen territory.

The original, wisely proscribed territory of Maryland includes the following: from the river Wighco to the ocean, all the way north to the 40th Parallel, westward until a true branch of the potomac, following the river south to the Chesapeake Bay. The most generous interpretation of this ordained territory is highlighted in red, beyond the current powers of the state highlighted in black.

It is high and proper time that Maryalnd enforces its proper claims. First, it must reclaim the city of Washington, DC, followed by a swift annexation of Delaware south of the Mason-Dixon line and the parts of Virginia constituting the Potomac watershed. 

A leader in quality of life and living expenses, it is high time Maryland restores its proper territory and promulgate its superior history and culture. From the mountains, to the bay, to the Sea, the full state of Maryland will be free.  

Student Perspective: Why I’m an SGA Anarchist, and You Should be Too!

By Fred Dom

This is an independently submitted op-ed and does not reflect the views of The Towel.

The SGA and its consequences have been a disaster for the student body. For so many of us, it feels as though one cannot go a week without hearing the most recent scandal from our SGA. What should be a forum for the student body has devolved into a stage for the performance of Neo-Whigs, anti-federalists, and two-bit sophists. I spent much of the past year wondering what, if any, reform could restore stability and legitimacy to our system. But after reading 4,000 hours of anarchist literature I have come to the conclusion that the total abolition of the SGA is our only path forward.

Now, this may seem impossible at first, but Pierre-Joseph Proudhon clearly explains that “order is not something real, but only something formal” in one of his several dozen works. I was initially confused by “the father of anarchism” for the SGA, its branches, structure, and organization are all very reel. I have spoken with President Lance on several occasions and he seemed real- down to earth even, despite the corrupting fact of the office which he holds. 

My confusion was alleviated when I began to consider this perspective in the Pertersonain sense of the identity over the physical. Just as the “dragon” is the idea of predator, “President” is the idea of control. SGA is supposed to be an organization in which the student body comes together to pitch our ideas to the student body. Instead, SGA filters out our voice, replacing it with the sophists who seek to control us. 

But we can outsmart the sophists. They’re no smarter than us, only flashier. Plato was right to call them the “imitator[s] of the wise” for they are no match for my intellect: being so well read, surely I understand the people and systems around me. Often, I find I have a hard time in social settings because I know more about the people than they know about themselves. They never like when I tell that to them, tell them about themselves. Sad.

So if SGA is only a formality, an idea, it can be replaced. But if it is replaced, the new system will still fulfil the form of control. Naturally. Therefore, the SGA must be abolished. How might this be achieved? Don’t worry, I have concepts of a  plan.

Student Government is the most important thing, and thus requires a serious response to overturn it. Here, I turn to Engles who dictates “A revolution is certainly the most authoritarian thing there is; it is the act whereby one part of the population imposes its will upon the other.” This fostered a sense of histency in me. To revoke the SGA, must we act as they do? Assert our will upon them? 

Yes.
Nietzsche is clear that all of society is about people exerting their will upon one another. (I think it’s fantastic I can understand so much about the SGA, a social organization, through just reading).  We must overcome the SGA which exists to hold us back, to stop us from realizing our full potential. Together, we can achieve our full potential. We can become superhuman. We can be free, advocating directly to the administration from our own individual voices. Surely, they will love that. We must liberate ourselves, stir up it all. Then we will be free. Then we will be liked.