So, What’s Next?

Guest Commentary
Nicholas Rao
Class of 2016

Sure, you think you’ve got it all figured out. You’re a triple major in Philosophy Pre-Law, Architecture and Astrophysics. You’ll be interning for the government this summer, and you make some pocket money as a part-time private detective. You’ve got that invasive, border-line threatening demeanor that says: I may be 18 but I’m Professional. You’re a Leader – it says so on your T-shirt – the sort of person we’d want around in a nuclear disaster and as far away as possible at a weekend party.

But have you thought about the future? Grad school? Maybe you’re in grad school. Career? Do you have jobs lined up? Will you spend this weekend killing brain cells with your buddies or shopping at Brooks Brothers for that magic look to wow your moneyed interrogators? Does your mind drift from valuable keyword searches – “jobs,” “internships,” “money,” “Help!” “deceased relatives,” “my family tree” – to thoughts of TV, girlfriends, relaxation… sleep, food…happiness?

In short, are you a lost soul with no plan?

Worry not! Here at Death’s Discounts we work to provide you with the most affordable, convenient and low-maintenance plots, tombstones and funeral packages ever concocted! No more anxious days, nightmarish nights, awakened in cold sweats by that permeating question: where will my rotting corpse lie when I’m no longer in charge? No need to delay those bar and dinner engagements with an, “I’d love to but I’ve got my demise to work out…” Let us decide where to stick you for the upcoming centuries, so that you can tranquilly focus on the next 40 or so years.

Death’s Discounts offers special bargains to college students – so stop by your university’s Office of Expiration Planning to find the box that fits you. Or just visit www.wheni’ and click on our Application Form to submit your resume, cv, headshot and measurements. Special preference is given to applicants who answer our optional essay prompt: What Does Burial Mean to You?

So what’s next? Because it’s never too early to worry.

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